I am humbled by the comments on my last post, both public and personal, my dear sweet friends thank you! please know that I have the support and understanding of my family and close friends during this difficult time. the old saying when it rains it pours, never seemed more true for me.
As the layers of our lives unfold we sometimes see things that we didn't notice before, texture and color, some good, some bad. I have been bluesy before, but honestly nothing quite like this, I love winter.....I don't mind the lack of sun or even the dreariness of the days, this time it's different, very different.
Have you ever left the house all prettied up, hair, makeup, lipstick, only to feel it's not you, it's not how you feel, it's fake, you're faking it, nobody seems to notice the underlying fear, the mask that you're wearing, I can't stop thinking about how fast I can get done so I can get home, get in my sweats.....then dread sets in, when I think why didn't stop at the store to pick something up for dinner, now what am I going to fix , how many times this week have we had scrambled eggs and toast, my husband never says a thing, he dutifully tells me they are tasty, and really you don't have to fix anything if you don't feel like, I'll do it. he is broken and tired too. he has worked so hard all day. hard phyiscal work, that has broken his body, some can be repaired, his hands, the ones, he uses everyday, cannot be fixed again. the beautiful, rough hands that he holds mine with, they can't be fixed again. we have to wait we have to see. they hurt him, it hurts me. he is so brave. strong, fearless.....I wish I was, he needs me to be. I need to find my boot straps........my big girl panties, wear did I leave them? why can't I find them?
I hate the depression commercials on tv, I'm not like those people.......I'm different. do they know that the meds for depression are sooooooooo expensive that unless you have great insurance the folks that could really benefit, can't get them, one more financial burden in an already burdensome situation, where there is finally no more room for one more thing.......unless you want to lose your home, or have something turned off......maybe if they didn't spend so much money on advertising people who could use those medications could actually get them. it's a sad reality, I can't believe I live in a country where people can't have what they need medically without fear. it's sad. it's very sad. ordinary hard working men and women can't get the treatment they need. it's a disgrace.
I didn't mean to go on a rampage! someone should though........In all of this I do see hope the practical side of myself knows this to shall pass.....time, support, finding joy again in small things, it's hard. most days too hard.
I feel like a puzzle that has been dropped, and I keep trying to find all the pieces and get them put back in all the right places, they don't fit, they won't go, so I walk away for awhile and then I go back and try again, yes! victory! It fit, only to find the next piece in the wrong place, so I put that one down and try again, maybe I should get the border done and the corners and then fill in the middle, that way I have a foundation, sounds easy right? It's all hard. really really hard.
Thanks so much for reading, listening, and supporting, please know that I read each and everyone one of your heartfelt comments......I love you guys.
T
