Puzzle Pieces.

I am humbled by the comments on my last post, both public and personal, my dear sweet friends thank you! please know that I have the support and understanding of my family and close friends during this difficult time. the old saying when it rains it pours, never seemed more true for me.

As the layers of our lives unfold we sometimes see things that we didn't notice before, texture and color, some good, some bad. I have been bluesy before, but honestly nothing quite like this, I love winter.....I don't mind the lack of sun or even the dreariness of the days, this time it's different, very different.

Have you ever left the house all prettied up, hair, makeup, lipstick, only to feel it's not you, it's not how you feel, it's fake, you're faking it, nobody seems to notice the underlying fear, the mask that you're wearing, I can't stop thinking about how fast I can get done so I can get home, get in my sweats.....then dread sets in, when I think why didn't stop at the store to pick something up for dinner, now what am I going to fix , how many times this week have we had scrambled eggs and toast, my husband never says a thing, he dutifully tells me they are tasty, and really you don't have to fix anything if you don't feel like, I'll do it. he is broken and tired too. he has worked so hard all day. hard phyiscal work, that has broken his body, some can be repaired, his hands, the ones, he uses everyday, cannot be fixed again. the beautiful, rough hands that he holds mine with, they can't be fixed again. we have to wait we have to see. they hurt him, it hurts me. he is so brave. strong, fearless.....I wish I was, he needs me to be. I need to find my boot straps........my big girl panties, wear did I leave them? why can't I find them?

I hate the depression commercials on tv, I'm not like those people.......I'm different. do they know that the meds for depression are sooooooooo expensive that unless you have great insurance the folks that could really benefit, can't get them, one more financial burden in an already burdensome situation, where there is finally no more room for one more thing.......unless you want to lose your home, or have something turned off......maybe if they didn't spend so much money on advertising people who could use those medications could actually get them. it's a sad reality, I can't believe I live in a country where people can't have what they need medically without fear. it's sad. it's very sad. ordinary hard working men and women can't get the treatment they need. it's a disgrace.

I didn't mean to go on a rampage! someone should though........In all of this I do see hope the practical side of myself knows this to shall pass.....time, support, finding joy again in small things, it's hard. most days too hard.

I feel like a puzzle that has been dropped, and I keep trying to find all the pieces and get them put back in all the right places, they don't fit, they won't go, so I walk away for awhile and then I go back and try again, yes! victory! It fit, only to find the next piece in the wrong place, so I put that one down and try again, maybe I should get the border done and the corners and then fill in the middle, that way I have a foundation, sounds easy right? It's all hard. really really hard.

Thanks so much for reading, listening, and supporting, please know that I read each and everyone one of your heartfelt comments......I love you guys.

T

Comments

[Robin]

Reading your post is like looking into my daughter's heart. She suffers from severe depression and has no insurance so she had to go off her meds and battle it on her own. You're right, it's a crime that people have to make choices like that!

I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers. AS for the puzzle..just one piece at a time.

[Susan]

Dear Tracey,
I pray that the Lord will take away your sadness...
You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. Psalm 32:7
...and restore your joy.
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12
I'll continue to keep you and your husband in my prayers.
Blessings!

[Anita]

Dear Tracey,

Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark.

"The hope of mankind rests in faith. Believing there is hope for the world is a way to move toward it". -Gladys Taber

Have faith - dear one, and know that you have family and friends who love and support you - be strong and have faith...

Love & blessings,
Anita

[kaye thornton]

Tracey,
Don't be so hard on yourself; lean on your husband if/when you need to. That's what marriage is.

Have you looked into purchasing the light bulbs that are like the sun??

I love your blog and your pictures and when you're ready, you'll return. I look forward to it and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Kaye

[Tracy]

Tracey, have you checked to see if the pharmeceutical company that makes your medicine has a program that will pay for your medicine?

I take Prestiq for panic attacks but Wyeth has a program that pays for my meds & it saves me $400/month. It wouldn't hurt to look into it.

Hope this helps! :)

[Joanne Kennedy]

I agree with Tracy, check with the company that makes the medication. Most have some kind of program to pay for the medication or at least a big chunk of it. Or talk to your Dr. Many times they have free samples that they can give you to last the whole month.

Also, are there any clinics near you that you can go to get your meds? I know here in CA we have places you can go if you have no health insurance.

However, if those don't work. Just remember that as hard as things are right now you are right where God wants you to be. I don't know the reasons but He does.

Take things one day at a time. Get through the day. Fake it till you make it. Keep your focus on the good things in your life.

Know there is a lot of prayer going out for you.

Big hugs,
Joanne

[Barbra]

Oh dear friend you're spirit may be bent, but, I pray that it isn't broken. Can I tell you how many times you came into view since I read yesterday's posting and can I tell you how many times I prayed for you Tracey....well, it was a whole lot my friend. I'm just 'one'.......there isn't a single doubt that I was partnered in prayer with many lifting your name to our Lord since yesterday's posting Tracey. It's Ok to be fragile and need to rest on the strength of your sweet husband and your dear family and your caring friends Tracey -- you would be the first person to do likewise to another's need wouldn't you? I can tell that you "so" would. xxx As I read your posting Tracey and see you trying so hard to keep it together; to be the burden-bearer it just may be you have to allow those who love you the most to carry 'you' for a little while Tracey. Hard as it seems, THAT sometimes it a great gift to others..... Imagine that tonight each of us has one of those little puzzle pieces in their hand Tracey......prayer by prayer the whole picture will 'glue together' with time dear friend. xxx

God Bless dear Tracey,
Barbra.

[Gail Golden]

Tracey: My heart went out to you when I read this. When I got to the part about the big girl panties, I knew I had to comment. I went through something similar recently. My dear friend Cheryle gave me some very helpful information. At first, I was kind of taken back by the big girl panties remark, but as I have taken her advice to heart, I have begun to turn around. Please read what she shared with me at the following link http://cheryletouchton.blogspot.com/2009/11/secret-to-dealing-with-chronic-pain-and.html

I've been praying for you, and if this info helps you, I'd sure like to hear about it.
I've enjoyed your blog, and I have faith that you'll be back to your old self soon.

[Rosemary]

Hi Tracey,
I too have suffered from depression. Go on-line and research "low serotonin levels" and how to raise them naturally. I have benefited greatly from omega-3 fish oil. I take 2 1200 mg caps a day. It is relatively inexpensive. I have gotten it from Walmart. make sure you get the enteric coated- it prevents the fishy tasting burps. It is more expensive than the regular but I think it is worth it. I hope you feel better soon and I will be praying for you.
Rosemary
PS don't forget your vitamin d!!!!!

[cindy~my romantic home]

oh my gosh Tracey, I've been behind in my blog reading and I'm so sorry to see this! I hope you are able to get the help you need to pay for the meds. Have you checked to see if there is a clinic that helps people without insurance in your area?

If you ever need anyone to talk to please feel free to call me. Just send me an email and I'll give you my phone number. I know when I went through some hard times it helped so much to just talk and to vent and just get it all out. I'm here if you need me!

I hope that you start feeling better soon!

[Carol]

Dear Tracey,
I am so sorry to hear about your hard times. I hope things will turn around for you soon. Even though we have never met, I want you to know that many of your blog friends are with you in thought and prayer. Please take care of yourself Tracey and do lean on your husband. God gives us family and friends to help us along the way.
Take care,
Carol

[Wagonwife Designs]

Dear Tracey I too have been behind in reading blogs and creating mine, but I had to take the time to comment. You are first in my prayers. We have been dealing with a smiliar issue in our family. It is not easy. If you had a problem with sugar, you would need meds-it is not any different for depression. It is medical. Please give yourself a break from the guilt. It is not so easy to "snap out of it" as they say. It does take time and you have such a wonderful husband who sounds like he loves you very much. That is a true blessing. Check with the company that creates the meds they have programs. Walmart also has a program where some meds cost only $4.00, including many for depression and anxiety. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care. Blessings for the New Year.

[Lucy]

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

Lucy

http://racingonlinegames.net

[Barbra]

Hi Tracey -- just peeping in today to see if you were 'about'. I won't ask how your day is going today, but, I "will" let you know that I haven't let go of you. It's easy to think we are alone, but, if you might need a reminder that you aren't.....well dearone, this is the reminder.xxx

God Bless,
Barbra.

[Lucy]

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

Lucy

http://racingonlinegames.net

[Sarah]

I finally took some time to catch up on your blog. I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling so. The only advice I can off is to delve into the scripture of God. When we were going through some hard times last year I found James 1 such a great encouragement. God promises us that we will have times of struggle but that we will endure through it. Hang in there, I will life you up in prayers this day.

Love,
Sarah

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